Twenty One

The woman in me has come a long way. Sometimes it still astonishes me that I am 30. The changes are more external than internal or at least that is what I thought.

The last few days I have been wondering about my uncanny wit. That sense of humour that would always have my buddy from Botswana laughing his head off when we used to be students in Malaysia. For the past 5 odd years it has been missing. I wonder what happened to it? I am sure I didn't have it in Sri Lanka or maybe I did or maybe it just grew in college and later in Australia and Pakistan it kind of just died. Can humour die?

Speaking of changes I wonder how I have managed to handle all of them. It has always being an adjustment changing lifestyles to fit in, changing accents to be understood, dressing modestly or modern to not be stared at, it’s never been a great challenge for me – somehow I always found a way or learned to ignore. I remember my first days in Malaysia, my fashion was atrocious, just thinking about the collared t-shirts now makes me cringe, the worst was finding clothes for 'wholesome' tall me in skinny-catering Malaysia. Luckily Odel and frequent trips every six months or so back home made a huge difference. Australia was a whole different ball game; although I could get the size I desired the clothes were always so undesirable to me. I couldn't understand why the same fashion was available in every store. At one stage all you got was dresses, albeit sleeveless to be worn over jeans or as a short dress...it used to drive me crazy. Naturally at that stage my parents had moved to Pakistan and I was unable to make any trips and considering the distance - a 16-hour flight - I wasn't willing to either.

Internally though I don't think I have changed much. I still have the same uncharacteristically unpredictable temper - though now I rant less. I have of course I believe lost that aforementioned sense of humor; but perhaps its just seeking the right person or friend to draw it out. I definitely have more confidence than I did at 20 when I first moved to Malaysia; even though I have been hit with much worse I am more comfortable with the way life is going now. That is another thing sometimes when you just accept it is easier. I know accepting and taking chances that are possible instead of yearning and getting frustrated about the impossible is always smarter.

However what is making look back now is whether it at this moment in time I am aspiring to a higher purpose. Uncharacteristically I am not. I am choosing to stay with my Mum, I am choosing to not escape but pursue a Masters here and I am teaching, something that for the past 4 years I refused to do. Amazing what a little difficulty can change in you. Fortunately though it has all brought a rich sense of contentment in me;

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.” (Lao Tzu)

Where ever you are accept and learn to make changes with simplicity. Remember we all live in impossibly financially trying times, there is always a way but it may not be a short-term goal. But do trust me on this there is always a path no matter how pebbly or unclear it may seem.