Twelve

Domestic aids are galore in Pakistan. They are unlike their Sri Lankan counterparts uneducated, cheap and willing to follow any orders depending on the salary offered to them. My own grandma makes them climb roofs and clean out pipes and also has another woman come everyday and sweep and mop the outside driveway which basically encompasses the whole bungalow - even in the freezing winter. I don't understand this obsessive nature of cleanliness but I shrug my shoulders at it an ignore.

However what I cannot ignore is the lack of kindness often these domestics are subject to. After all even though we can perhaps comfort their tired souls by paying extra rupees at the end of the day what they really need is some understanding. One domestic maid fell sick after this great cleaning event, but she was still made to come to work. I don't understand how anyone can over work the human spirit. Sometimes I feel like my grandma is in a Jane Eyre novel.

Recently a huge issue has be made about the death of a 12 year old domestic aid by her employers. The employer a rich lawyer went into hiding fearful of his life. He and his family are continuously blamed but no one blames the girls parents. The wider issue in this country is child labor, unfair treatment of domestics and then making a huge hue and cry of unfairness.

I don't understand why they don't demand their rights. Why they don't employ the services of a politician to do this for them. Even though this was not an issue in Sri Lanka the maids have since the past 2 years started charging Rupees 300 per hour for work. At first I found the change astonishing but then I looked around me in Pakistan and wished the women here had the guts to do the same. I sincerely feel sorry for this uneducated lot who continue to work in this manner without ever demanding more.

What also irks me is the way they are treated by the new generation. For instance the way say my 12 year old cousin would speak to me as compared to a domestic is very different. I would be spoken to kindly but they have reserved a harsh tone for the domestic. I have seen aged domestics been spoken in harshness by young boys who are yet to hit puberty - an act instilled into them by their parents no doubt. Something that I had not before ever observed in Sri Lanka. This in particular disgusts me each time. Once I was in the car with my cousin and his wife and we were going home after a lunch outing. In front of the car was an old man pushing a cart and my cousin just started abusing him not loud enough for the man to hear but for our benefit because there was not enough room for him to pass by. I shouted at him that if you wanted you could have passed him by and he started saying that I know nothing about driving. Maybe I didn't but he knew nothing about humanity and I feel that was the bigger crime. That day when his wife told him off and got out of the car I gained immense respect for her.

The only step I can take while I live in this country is to continue to show kindness to these domestics and to also to prevent mistreatment of them in my own home by my Mum or anyone else. I hope if I ever run my own household I don't treat them in such a manner, in fact I doubt I will even hire them because I believe laboring over your own home can have devastatingly humbling effects on a person. Which is after all the basis of Sri Lankan values.

Eleven

I am sad to say the magic has somewhat diminished for me. Last night I felt a bit uninvolved. That is why I know this new path that is opening for me is going to be the key to resolving my dilemmas. It will be my freedom train before I make that important decision.

I feel I have chosen unwisely in the past and you were my wisest choice. Now I am not sure if you were.

Where there is affection and well wishes there should also be an unconditional love. But I don't feel that anymore. Maybe because you broke my heart more than a few times and I have done the same. I don't think there is anymore we can do to each other emotionally that we haven't maybe that way I have done more damage than you could have to me.

I apologize.

I am such a scorned woman when it comes to emotional issues...that I get carried away – never again. I shall be mature, in my soon to be 30th year I want to be a better person but just for old times sake for the fact that I don't want to regret it - I am going to take that path too. The path that I believe is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It is probably the most inspiring project of my professional life. I shall not let it or the accolade (I know it will be followed by) go.
Hence I shall bid you a loving goodbye and see where my fate takes me.

Perhaps then I will be able to return and commit to you. Perhaps by then your maybes will be stronger resolutions.

Ten

I have celebrated on New Years twice. Once in Malaysia and once in Melbourne. The one in Melbourne stands out even though it was at a party of a mutual friends and mostly consisted of gay men. It turned out to be somewhat of a nice yet weird experience. I couldn't eat the 'barbi' (barbequed meat) because it wasn't halal but I did drink and eat some bread and had some salad before I realized it contained little pieces of pink meat. So mostly it was the bread then. The drinks consisted of gin and tonic (which were apparently the typical gay mans drink), which was passed on to me by the host M, and later when I felt they weren't doing much I moved onto vodka. The conversation flowed so easily and I loved the whole camaraderie there was between the gays the straights and the in-between.

This was so ironic as my last New Year celebration in 2003 was with 3 close girlfriends, one who was constantly making out with an old flame. Perhaps that was the difference there was a lot of easy friendly conversation in 2006 but there was no lewd making out, flirtation but no real lust, it was just pure fun.

Not to forget the music, the music thankfully was good...Madonna and very little techno...very hip. I also had a really nice time getting to know Ms dog who was probably the most well behaved mutt I have ever met.

Close to the midnight hour about 10 of us walked over - in a very drunken state - to the hill nearby. Most of us had trouble climbing it but we eventually managed to watch and await the fireworks down below in the valley.

I have never seen Melbourne look so beautiful.

I ended up staying the night at M's house and well taking over the room of his flatmate who woke me up on his return at 2am but kindly let me sleep on.

The next morning I woke up to a good breakfast as the party crowd was re gathered to leave for summadayze.

Coincidentally 2006 was also the start of a new change in me as I moved onto my final year in Melbourne and decided I didn't want to drink anymore. It is I believe the year I grew up to be an adult. Then there was that memorable trip to Sydney. All in all the start mirrored the end. Even though I was glad to leave Australia like I was the party home that morning I also left a little bit of happiness behind.

Nine

There is this girl. Even though she is a distant relative and I barely know her she was a sort of an acquaintance I looked forward to in all those family gatherings. She got married in March (early this year) and moved to this country and I kept meeting her.

Two days into the recent Hajj festival I messaged her saying I wouldn't be at the dinner part held by one of aunts tonight and could we meet up another day for coffee or something. I didn't get a reply and assumed it was to do with the phone network jam or something. Anyhow I asked my Mum (who was going for the dinner) to give her my Eid wishes.

The next day I spoke to my Mum and she says this girl returned to the States for good. I was shocked. She left after the Ramadhan festival (October) but I had no idea it was forever. The funny thing is that last time I spoke to her we discovered that she had added someone else with my name onto her facebook by mistake. An error that now leaves me with no way of keeping in touch with her.

However that is not what this post is about. Instead I want to express the fact that in all our meetings I felt I was genuinely friendly and she was more pretend. There was always something she would be private about. Which is all right considering the gossipy society we live in, but I am different. Perhaps she was not aware of my background. But then she never even bothered to ask. Its almost like she was being me in I shall escape soon so I don't need to get comfortable here.
I used to think that way now I just want to live my life as best I can in whatever circumstances God has designated for me. For an instance I heard on 'Being Erica' earlier today, that life deals you a new set of card every time you think your set. Which is so true, an absolute curve ball just comes smashing through your planned perfection.
Which brings me to the disappointment in this whole issue.

I really thought being an independent, intelligent modern woman she had the guts to at least try this country for than a year. As I saw influences a lot of people around her. Sadly she gave up. But then I suppose if she was stronger willed she wouldn't have got involved and married the very same cousin who was staying at their home while studying in States. Still wonder why that never was a huge scandal?

Oh well...as I have no shortage of friends I shouldn't complain, but the stirrings in my immediate society was fun to watch. Well girl here is hoping that wherever you are you manage to live more at ease. Cheers!

Eight

I do confess I am a neo addict. Its this virtual gaming site meant for college students but which has since its inception being taken over by children as young as 4. I was introduced to it by a friend during my college days in Malaysia and although then I used to visit it only to de-stress - neither was the net available to me at a whim then nor did I have the patience to tolerate headaches from games at the net cafe - now I am completely at will to play as often as I like.
I am sorry to say it is a bit out of control. I have 3 accounts in addition to main account and countless 'neopets'. Despite the sites best efforts I am also lately feeling tired of it all. Its like an exhaustion now and a another form of stress...if it makes any sense.
Nevertheless it is still the best cure for insomniac nights and to squelch those thoughts future, career, and broken heart.
However I have come to the conclusion that it is best to rid myself of the anxieties that come with TNT and reduce usage time for now and perhaps even delete and account or two.
I wonder as irrelevant as a gaming site stopped being fun for me. It so doesn't make sense to me...but then not a lot of things in life do right now.

Seven

That lasted about a day. Once more I brought up the serious questions and once more you lied to yourself and me begging for more time.
Finally the nail hit my brain and the constant confused bleeding of emotions stopped. I realized I am not in love with you.
I must have fallen out of love sometime ago but I kept denying it and pushing for something better to the way it was. Unfortunately relationships cannot be renewed when one person already has considered it doomed.
I have changed my mind about one other thing to. For now I am keeping it to myself until I talk to my parents.
Escape maybe futile and uncertain in the escaped land but it must be done. I crave that feeling of absolute peace that I had a few months back. The one my brother stole and destroyed. I know what I need to do and what I need to ascertain towards. Shall write more when I am more confident of my plans.

Six

Here is the gist of it imagine a long albeit painful preparation into a mourning period, only it turns out there was no need for one. No I definitely did not ask for this but more than that I am lost. For one now the relationship has to progress. It is after all 3 years and it is not (unless I do die) going to go as it is. The natural progression is talk of the ‘m’ word. Which however kind of squelches my plans for further study abroad.
However that is not all there is to it. Is this the necessary step for the good of the relationship or something I feel I need to do?
I am also not sure of one highly questioning bothersome itch in my brain - am I still in love as I was yesterday to commit to a tomorrow? Maybe. Do I want to spend the rest of my life in your city (which I do love) among the people in this country (of whom the majority I hate)?
Since you also so boldly declared no future immigration do I want to do that? After all in a marriage isn't a compromise better? And since we don’t agree on that can we even be satisfied for the rest of our lives?
I shouldn’t make the wrong decision but more importantly I shouldn’t make a decision out of desperateness or some sort of societal pressure or expectation.
However looking at the other side of the coin there is the long dreary lonely days of my former life in University. In particular the long winter nights.
But do I want to spend my long winter nights with you forever?
No matter how I look at it neither seems more appeasing…leaving or staying. If I could however have you and that life in a Western country it would be delightful.

But since a girl can’t get all she wants she has to follow her instinct and I guess (you lucky bastard and you better be grateful) it is pointing at you.

Seriously though I hope and pray that this will however happen and we manage to have a good life ahead of us.