Eight

I do confess I am a neo addict. Its this virtual gaming site meant for college students but which has since its inception being taken over by children as young as 4. I was introduced to it by a friend during my college days in Malaysia and although then I used to visit it only to de-stress - neither was the net available to me at a whim then nor did I have the patience to tolerate headaches from games at the net cafe - now I am completely at will to play as often as I like.
I am sorry to say it is a bit out of control. I have 3 accounts in addition to main account and countless 'neopets'. Despite the sites best efforts I am also lately feeling tired of it all. Its like an exhaustion now and a another form of stress...if it makes any sense.
Nevertheless it is still the best cure for insomniac nights and to squelch those thoughts future, career, and broken heart.
However I have come to the conclusion that it is best to rid myself of the anxieties that come with TNT and reduce usage time for now and perhaps even delete and account or two.
I wonder as irrelevant as a gaming site stopped being fun for me. It so doesn't make sense to me...but then not a lot of things in life do right now.

Seven

That lasted about a day. Once more I brought up the serious questions and once more you lied to yourself and me begging for more time.
Finally the nail hit my brain and the constant confused bleeding of emotions stopped. I realized I am not in love with you.
I must have fallen out of love sometime ago but I kept denying it and pushing for something better to the way it was. Unfortunately relationships cannot be renewed when one person already has considered it doomed.
I have changed my mind about one other thing to. For now I am keeping it to myself until I talk to my parents.
Escape maybe futile and uncertain in the escaped land but it must be done. I crave that feeling of absolute peace that I had a few months back. The one my brother stole and destroyed. I know what I need to do and what I need to ascertain towards. Shall write more when I am more confident of my plans.

Six

Here is the gist of it imagine a long albeit painful preparation into a mourning period, only it turns out there was no need for one. No I definitely did not ask for this but more than that I am lost. For one now the relationship has to progress. It is after all 3 years and it is not (unless I do die) going to go as it is. The natural progression is talk of the ‘m’ word. Which however kind of squelches my plans for further study abroad.
However that is not all there is to it. Is this the necessary step for the good of the relationship or something I feel I need to do?
I am also not sure of one highly questioning bothersome itch in my brain - am I still in love as I was yesterday to commit to a tomorrow? Maybe. Do I want to spend the rest of my life in your city (which I do love) among the people in this country (of whom the majority I hate)?
Since you also so boldly declared no future immigration do I want to do that? After all in a marriage isn't a compromise better? And since we don’t agree on that can we even be satisfied for the rest of our lives?
I shouldn’t make the wrong decision but more importantly I shouldn’t make a decision out of desperateness or some sort of societal pressure or expectation.
However looking at the other side of the coin there is the long dreary lonely days of my former life in University. In particular the long winter nights.
But do I want to spend my long winter nights with you forever?
No matter how I look at it neither seems more appeasing…leaving or staying. If I could however have you and that life in a Western country it would be delightful.

But since a girl can’t get all she wants she has to follow her instinct and I guess (you lucky bastard and you better be grateful) it is pointing at you.

Seriously though I hope and pray that this will however happen and we manage to have a good life ahead of us.

Five

I crave you. It is amazing how it takes a horribly painful relationship and a subsequent break up to put things into perceptiveness. Never in my life of constant short-term romances did I think I would last close to 3 years with someone. But more than that it still surprises me that it took this long for it to end.
Don't get me wrong I have no issues with lasting relationships but my psychic doesn't accept one. Maybe that is why when looking back I see all those little ways I went about to constantly batter it and attack it to give it all the little cracks. Which became this abyss of distaste and hate for him towards me.
I should feel sorry but for some reason I don't. Maybe because I am hurting and paying the price now and whatever revenge he may have wanted from me all those times I hurt him, does not compare to this.
Do I want it back? No I am afraid it has shattered and is incapable of being fixed. Do I think time will heal and somehow lead us back to each other? To that I just plain scoff with disbelief.
What I do know is that the next person - if I should be so lucky - will have a lot to live up to.
I thank you though for making me have such high standards now.
Now I wait for healing process to end.

Four

It would seem anyone else in my position would be pretty excited. I had a ticket to a U2 concert in November a month or two before I was to wave Melbourne goodbye for good. A ticket I got in January (before Razor had family issues causing the concert to be postponed) after standing for hours in the queue from 6am to 10am and managing to change it from seating to standing before they sold out. However I couldn't decide for weeks before I was to go if I wanted to. My gut instincts told me give the ticket away. I listened to my friend instead who said I would regret it. I regretted going.
A concert on a Sunday should have been the first hint. My tiredness from camera work on the final of 'Salam Cafe' and the comedy show the night before - 'Allah Made Me Funny' should have been the final decision maker...but I ignored my intuition once more.
Going 5.30 from the suburbs for a concert was absurd...I did get very close to the stage nevertheless...but there were people who had camped out at 1am who got to experience U2 up close. This was the least disappointing aspect of the evening. Kayne West opened up for Bono and the men and I enjoyed him so much then U2 came and these two guys appeared among the crowd I was in and started pushing people around. There was this couple from Tasmania and this lady commented on it too...eventually they went away to stand somewhere else. I felt ashamed for them and for the people of Melbourne - how Un-Australian. I left after an hour of listening to U2's performance because it just got to me. That is the moment I knew Melbourne and I were getting a divorce. When I got to the entrance after receiving my ticket back - the one with the date for November and not my special one with a January date - this man handed me a round purple card thing for me to return, I gave it back saying I am not coming back. True I bought a t-shirt outside from money meant for a cab but it was for the wrong reasons...I wanted to remind myself to never ever ignore my intuition and that gut feeling that is always so right. Because whatever maybe it guided me earlier in the year 2006 to Sydney and to a Richard Marx concert so it was never wrong this tonight was. Since then I have less listening pleasure from U2.

Three

They were ahead of me. I unsuccessfully tried to push ahead but with the woman was blocking the way. Another annoying couple with a domineering woman I thought to myself. She ordered like ten things from the string hopper van and then ended up buying only two. As the seconds ticked by and I started worrying about it raining again and my prayers they continued to hold up the way. Finally they moved aside but not before he pulled out the wallet to pay for their order. I saw her photo in his wallet - I thought to myself now he is in trouble for having someone else's photo in her wallet - but then I realized it was her looking a lot better. To my annoyance this little distraction cost me my chance to place my order and another man had come over and was now being served. My mind started to drift off again as the couple moved on. How come he does not have a photo of me in his wallet? Do you suggest something like that or is it by choice or do you grab the wallet and put it in? Would someone think of you more often now that you are staring out at him from your wallet? Then I begin to think of my own wallet. I don't have his photo either. I do have a group photo of 3 of my closest friends - 2 who I have lost touch with and 1 who I speak with practically everyday. Do I even want their photo in my wallet any more?
I look up to see the string hopper guy observing me strangely. I fumble with my words but manage to place my order. As I walk towards home the image of her in his wallet drifts through my mind. Who would have thought a wallet would have such sentimental and emotional significance more importantly did I even want lentils with my order?

Two

"He made the world to be a grassy road before her wandering feet"
(W.B. Yeats found in the 'Second Summer of the Sisterhood' by Ann Brashares)

That is how it began the innumerable praise the equal doses of affection and distaste. One minute I was the star the next someone you were indifferent to. Ah the typical Gemini meets a Libra fusion. Hard love that is what it should be called. Maddening.

That day in the garden of our work place when you moved onwards saying I am not the right guy for you, you thought you were capable of reading my mind, what I was thinking at that very minute. How wrong of you. How foolish of you. Your name was written on my heart long before you came into my life. For me it was always the name, and unlike you I could read you better than even you could yourself. I think I surprised you that day.

I was also aware of the effect the letter would have on you before you read it. Even if my friend hadn't told me what happened to you I knew those broken pinnate of words would numb you.
Now it seems creepy even unreal that I knew you so well. That I could count your heartbeats before they beat but you gave me that ability. Call it the stars the fates or just a plain lesson in life but I knew you.
You had to come into my life so I could learn. Learn that stupid day dreams, falling for a name, creating this perfect man via a name was crazy.

I avoided you and ignored you because it hurt so much wanting you. It hurt even more when you played and I won and then it hurt not wanting you. I wanted to destroy you so much and I did. I wasn't alone the second time we played. In fact I had the she-devil right by my side, ironically enough she also was my namesake.

What madness!!!

Vengeance wasn't enough though I wanted to maim you, hurt you and make you cry for two days like I did for the lies you told me. There was no satisfaction in destroying you once I could have done it for the rest of my life. Thank God for the newly stamped visa on my passport then or you would have been unleashed to the absolute fury of a broken heart.

The funny thing is even now after 4 years I don't feel guilty. In fact I recently heard you repeated your performance on another young soul. You are very lucky she is not as angry as me. I just wonder how long you are going to keep this up. You wondered then why you never could be good at your work...a job that you said was your dream. Want to take a wild guess? Maybe if you stopped being a you-know-what the world would be kinder on you. Till then continue on as you do because one day it is going to come back and hit you harder than I ever could.